On Monday I spent 4 hours in my studio: sweeping, dusting, rearranging, sorting, storing, and purging. Since the new year started I haven't been in there much, so I needed to do some refreshing. It makes such a difference to clean and recompose a space so that it is better suited to ones current needs. It breathes a new life into it.
I haven't been making much artwork during the past few months. I've been really distracted by the process of applying to school. My nerves have been on the Tilt-A-Whirl, and my mind has been busy with reflection and projection. I've been thinking a lot about the work that I have waiting for me in the studio, but I haven't been working on it. Honestly, I think I've just been afraid. For the past 7 years I've been uber-focused on my process as an artist, and on making work, but it's been mostly in isolation. I haven't had much discerning feedback and now that I know I'm going to have people paying attention to what I'm doing, I'm experiencing a bit of stage fright. I'm someone who has tended to have closet confidence. Deep down believing in myself but, in the spotlight, failing to exhibit my finer qualities and capabilities. I'm not quite sure where it comes from, but I've been challenging myself to work through it for quite awhile. It's especially important as an artist, where one's most highly valued asset is the ability to express what one truly thinks and feels, to resolve those issues of self-doubt, and self-consciousness. That's why I've decided not to believe in them. It may sound funny to say it that way, but it's true. I mean, actually, I don't believe in them. When I have thoughts that weigh me down, and halt my productivity and the liveliness that is in me, I don't believe that those are true thoughts. They certainly don't serve my purpose. So, while I've entertained them in the past, I will no longer listen to the whispers of personal dissent. It is hard to ignore them sometimes, when they come knocking, but it is possible. Instead of fearing failure, or mockery, or judgement, I will invite the council of experience. I will present my ideas and inspirations to my best ability, and I will let my friend Response complete my understanding of their relevance and value.
All that being said, I'm actually on my way to the studio.